I was knocking back a few cold beers at the Sunday watering hole when a man turned the fan away from us & put it on his group. It was a 100 degrees outside & with no AC in the Brewhouse this was a immediate concern of our group. It turned out that his wife had told him to do it. I started pondering which gender needs the other more & here is my determination. I will start with the ladies as it is the polite thing to do.
Top 10 reasons women need men
1. Killing of bugs, snakes or Bigfoot. The majority of women are either scared or disgusted by these creatures & don't have the stomach for such things.
2. To listen to them complain about their boss or other girlfriends. You may get off easy if she has a girlfriend with the same boss & they can complain together; leaving you out of it but most likely she will just repeat the process wasting 10-15 minutes of your life you will never get back.
3.Going to the liquor store or beer store. Nothing sexy or proper about a woman walking out of the liquor store with a box o wine or fifth of bourbon...screams I'm a single drunk.
4.There are some obvious ones & I will group them together. They include taking out the trash, unpacking & repacking the Christmas decorations & getting the mail as well as the daily paper. They just don't want to do it.
5.Driving a vehicle. Women have too much going on when they are in the car to be worried about actually driving the car & plus they don't know where the hell they are going. I've witnessed a woman on her morning commute driving with her elbows as she smokes in one hand & applies make up with the other. Not to mention having to park said vehicle.
6.Making a woman feel petite & safe. A woman needs to feel if things turn dicey in a situation that you will & more importantly can protect her. Also you should make them feel like a girl by being a man, not a metro-sexual that wears nicer outfits than she does.
7.Have a good paying job. Telling her girlfriends, mom & sisters that you are currently looking for gainful employment isn't cool. Today's liberated woman doesn't mind paying a tab or two but they sure as hell don't want to have to pay your light bill to get your power turned on.
8.Buying her flowers, cards & taking her to dinner then a movie. It is what her father did for her mother & she needs you to do the same. Buying her own & having them sent to her office is expensive & dining alone then movie is leprous or widowish. Also we can mention Valentine's Day, weddings & Christmas parties. Women are pitied if they are dateless on these occasions.
9.Listening to her. I know this one can be tough. She may even try to talk about something serious when she is butt ass naked & expect you to get every word. The key is to nod alot & say yea of course without staring at her boobs. Also saying you are sorry if you are wrong or if she catches you staring at her boobs.
10.I saved the best for last. Women need men to make them have multiple orgasms. Sure, they can self pleasure but that can get mundane. They want you to do all the things above so when they get you in the bedroom, elevator or on the washing machine they can get off multiple times...can't stress this enough, orgasm gets you replaced, multiple orgasms gets you presents & free booze.
Whew, that was tough. Now on to the easy part.....why men need women.
1.Going to the grocery store. We hate the entire process. It is always crowded, we have to actually think about combining ingredients when Krystal had done it for us the night before & we always forget numerous items.
2.We need women to scratch our backs. Can't get the entire area without separating a shoulder & another man scratching your back is gay. Same goes for applying sunscreen & reminding us we should use it.
3.Carrying leftover to go food out of the restaurant. A real man will always finish his meal but sometimes, there is too much to eat in one meal. If you are good, which i am you combine her leftovers with yours & ultimately she forgets leaving you with 2 extra meals. It is an art.
4.Reach for your purse from time to time. I know if is alot of fun to eat, drink & be merry on your man's tab but he needs you to pick up the tab every now & again.
5.We need women to clean the casa. I personally am not too much of a slob but I hate to dust, vacuum & well the entire bathroom is neglected if left to me. I will bribe you with chick flick, dinner or whatever you need to make this happen plus I'll say thanks.
6.I count on my girlfriends(friends that are girls) to explore the crazy level of potential sweet young vixens. I do this by watching said vixen interact with people in the crowd until we have a mutual friend. I then text said friend to get the low down on the vixen. Works like a charm as long as friend doesn't spill the beans when I go to the big boys room.
7.We need women to wear sexy clothing & lingerie. Yea you would probably look good in a potato sack as I have in the past but a woman wearing a tight pair of jeans, top showing off the tatas & a perfect pair of thongs just showing enough will get us drooling every time. I also am a big fan of a tall, sexy woman wearing cargo pants as well. Did I also mention hats drive this man crazy?!
8.I need a woman to have a great sense of humor or she is going to think I'm an idiot....which I can be(see drooling above). If you cannot laugh at yourself & others then you are on a path of bitterness & regret later in life. It is a one of the best traits in the world if you can laugh at just about every bad situation. I believe it relieves stress & therefore prolongs your silly life.
9.Men need women for fashion sense. This one is very important as most men hate to shop for clothes almost as bad as groceries. If left on our own we will stumble into a store with the hottest blond 21 yr old working & leave the store with a hard on dressed like Justin Beeber.
10.O.K. now to the R to X portion of what men need from women....sex & lots of it! We need you to check your parent's issues about the subject at the door. It is your sex life & you need to be a willing & eager participant or you run the risk of being replaced by a newer, hornier model. Don't be afraid to experiment with new toys, positions, & places. We need for you to enjoy oral pleasure(giving as well as receiving), morning luvin & dirty talk. We also have no problem sharing a shower anytime you feel the need to clean your dirty body. I really could go on & on with this one but you get the idea. Have fun & do it alot!
Well, that pretty much sums up my thoughts about the needs of the opposite sex & should be taken with a grain of salt by rational people. The picture is of some foreign hottie that I have never met & have no idea her needs as a non-American woman but I imagine she would be close on alot of these. Until next time remember a famous quote by one of my favorite women" It is God's biggest joke putting men & women on the same planet & expecting them to get along!"Bev
Cheers,
Rip Pewett a man with many needs
