Sunday, August 30, 2015
College football is back!
I can literally feel myself getting excited & more importantly; becoming a nicer person. I would like to apologize to everyone that I've offended, been rude to or made cry since college football ended in January. Wow, I'm glad I got that out of the way. Now to poke fun at the greatest conference & fans in the country...the SEC.
1.Alabama-the only good thing about going through Alabama is going through Alabama. Ugly state & ugly fans. They believe wearing a hounds tooth hat can make up for lack of class & teeth,
2.Auburn-not much hate for these guys as they have identity issues. Don't know if they are Tigers, War Eagles or Plainsman. Know their university is out in the middle of nowhere, Feel like they are our step brother as 2nd fiddle to Alabama.
3.Arkansas-beautiful campus in the middle of nowhere. Fans are confused how to act when they are winning so they revert back to Sun-Fri ways & act like idiots.
4.Florida-talk about their glory days of 3 National Championships when they lost to 1 team each of those seasons while wearing jorts & sporting a mullet(business up front & party in the back)
5.Georgia-bless their little hearts. All the talent in the world with a mediocre coach but fan base scared to fire him because he is right with God.
6.Kentucky-should probably let their basketball team play football for 1 year
7.LSU-coached by an escaped mental patient so the fan base feel like he is family. Such nice fans before the game. They will share their coon ass fixins & cold beers but when the game starts their meds wear off & it is down right dangerous there.
8.Mississippi State-who cares! Need marine snipers on top of that high school stadium to shoot all the cow bell toteing fans. Annoying
9.Missouri-take them to Las Vegas & match their bets. Lucky ever since they came to the SEC.
10.Ole Miss-they will never be great but their tailgate is National Champions every year. So many beautiful woman in the Grove that I forget about the game.
11.South Carolina-coached by the Bobby Knight of college football with an ego the size of the Texas. He never coached a quarterback better than him in his mind. Most sluts at SC too as evidence of their cheer..."Go Cocks!"
12.Tennessee-God's team with the most vertical stadium in the country thus closer to heaven. We are a collection of a lot of these fore mentioned traits of other teams plus a fight song that is hated by every single team in the SEC. Fuck em. Rocky Top is it.
13.Texas A&M-12th man is illegal & they should be penalized. Had to build a bigger stadium than both UTs
14.Vanderbilt-should drop football program after the post gang rape slogan of "We don't need permission!"
Looking forward to putting 60 points on them this year. Just like old times.
Well that was fun. I would continue on with Michigan & Ohio State fans but I'm just not interested in either program.
Cheers,
Rip Pewett
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Minimization has begun!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Guns blame us as a declining society
May God have mercy on our souls.
Rip Pewett a man who owns zero guns
p.s. the picture is of a man who distributes wealth at the speed of sound, never has held a job & would give all of our guns to Russia if he could
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Top 10 signs you have fallen out of the raft on the Ocoee
1. your guide yells " Swim you fucking idiot"
2. the person next to you is now looking down at you shaking their head
3. you are suddenly rehydrating & you didn't bring a bottle of water on the boat
4. some jack ass just hit you in the head with a bag full of rope
5. it has suddenly gotten so cold that your balls have shrunk up inside your body
6. everyone is trying to give you their paddle & you don't know why
7. you find a pair of Revo sunglasses on the bottom of the river
8. you feel like you are in the pinball game called "River Rocks"
9. you find yourself laying on the shore with some fat kid poking you while saying "Mr, are you dead?"
10. you are buying the 1st round at Log Cabin Inn & everybody is laughing at you
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Never leave a man behind unless you leave two
Cheers,
Rip
p.s. a friend gave me a bit of advice & I'm so glad I didn't repeat it on the plane before we took
off for Tampa. " Don't die on your vacation as people will think you are lame"
Monday, January 23, 2012
When I was a kid, I was allowed to be a kid
Cheers,
Rip Pewett kid at heart
p.s. the picture above could of been the Pewett boys rolling our Big Wheels down our driveway, taking that hair pin turn & jumping the curb right into the shrubs. It was some of the most fun 2 kids could ever have.
Monday, December 26, 2011
2012 To Do List
Well it is that time of the year to plan my life for the next year & I can't think of a better place than the world wide web to do so. I believe it helps to write down dreams, goals & desires so you reread them, theoretically every day to reinforce ones commitment. I still have former goals hidden throughout my life & find it humorous rereading them to see which ones I actually accomplished. Soooooo, with that in mind....I present my 2012 New Year's Resolutions.
1. get back into shape. Over the past 3 years my job has ruined my workouts & that is going to change. I have committed to myself, friends & now here to put the iron to the fire so to speak. I'm going to run the Music City 1/2 marathon for the 4th & maybe final time.
2.Become a minimalist. I am going to sell everything that isn't absolutely necessary. I'm kicking around the idea of selling everything at the flea market with a sign saying "Ripper's no garage sale" All proceeds will go towards my world travel fund.
3.Get back to helping others i.e. Safehaven Family Shelter. I was an overnight volunteer for 2 years & quite frankly got burned out. This time with the help of friends, I'm going to sign up monthly for the dinner detail. We will provide dinner for the families & clean up afterwards. I also want to take the families to a Sounds game & rent the outfield stands. I will be working with my buddy A.J. with the Sounds & my other friends for $.
4.Quit wearing ties or nooses on my soul as i like to call them. I will go more into detail about this in later posts.
5.Finish the Yelo Sub restoration...finally! My 1972 Olds Cutlass Supreme convertible is about 3 steps away from finito. I need my front end rebuilt(no shit), install my cd/ipod player & speakers then have my blinker switch replaced. Once these minor things are completed I am donating my faithful Cherokee to the Mike Ervin hunting camp. I will be living the dream of cruising in the Yelo Sub on a daily basis.
6.Start researching my Ex-pat locale. I've decided that I'm not going down with this sinking ship known as the U.S.A. it has become quite clear to me that our politicians have no desire to ever do anything but the status quo & that isn't going to work. It is my belief that in 5-10 years this country will go bankrupt, there will be citizens rioting in the streets & our way of life will be over. The silver lining in this is I will be reading about it on a beach, drinking cold beer with a girl half my age. My short list is Australia & New Zealand, Cuba or Costa Rica.
I think I will stop here as these 6 are pretty lofty goals & i just ate fajitas so i need to take a siesta sitting up right in my chair wearing this noose of a tie. The picture is of my first tattoo which is a pair of lips on my ass that symbolizes my belief if you don't like my life you can keep your opinion to yourself & kiss my ass. Until next time.....Happy New Year!
Cheers,
Rip
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I never thought I would make it to 45.....now what?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Women need men more than men need women?
I was knocking back a few cold beers at the Sunday watering hole when a man turned the fan away from us & put it on his group. It was a 100 degrees outside & with no AC in the Brewhouse this was a immediate concern of our group. It turned out that his wife had told him to do it. I started pondering which gender needs the other more & here is my determination. I will start with the ladies as it is the polite thing to do.
Top 10 reasons women need men
1. Killing of bugs, snakes or Bigfoot. The majority of women are either scared or disgusted by these creatures & don't have the stomach for such things.
2. To listen to them complain about their boss or other girlfriends. You may get off easy if she has a girlfriend with the same boss & they can complain together; leaving you out of it but most likely she will just repeat the process wasting 10-15 minutes of your life you will never get back.
3.Going to the liquor store or beer store. Nothing sexy or proper about a woman walking out of the liquor store with a box o wine or fifth of bourbon...screams I'm a single drunk.
4.There are some obvious ones & I will group them together. They include taking out the trash, unpacking & repacking the Christmas decorations & getting the mail as well as the daily paper. They just don't want to do it.
5.Driving a vehicle. Women have too much going on when they are in the car to be worried about actually driving the car & plus they don't know where the hell they are going. I've witnessed a woman on her morning commute driving with her elbows as she smokes in one hand & applies make up with the other. Not to mention having to park said vehicle.
6.Making a woman feel petite & safe. A woman needs to feel if things turn dicey in a situation that you will & more importantly can protect her. Also you should make them feel like a girl by being a man, not a metro-sexual that wears nicer outfits than she does.
7.Have a good paying job. Telling her girlfriends, mom & sisters that you are currently looking for gainful employment isn't cool. Today's liberated woman doesn't mind paying a tab or two but they sure as hell don't want to have to pay your light bill to get your power turned on.
8.Buying her flowers, cards & taking her to dinner then a movie. It is what her father did for her mother & she needs you to do the same. Buying her own & having them sent to her office is expensive & dining alone then movie is leprous or widowish. Also we can mention Valentine's Day, weddings & Christmas parties. Women are pitied if they are dateless on these occasions.
9.Listening to her. I know this one can be tough. She may even try to talk about something serious when she is butt ass naked & expect you to get every word. The key is to nod alot & say yea of course without staring at her boobs. Also saying you are sorry if you are wrong or if she catches you staring at her boobs.
10.I saved the best for last. Women need men to make them have multiple orgasms. Sure, they can self pleasure but that can get mundane. They want you to do all the things above so when they get you in the bedroom, elevator or on the washing machine they can get off multiple times...can't stress this enough, orgasm gets you replaced, multiple orgasms gets you presents & free booze.
Whew, that was tough. Now on to the easy part.....why men need women.
1.Going to the grocery store. We hate the entire process. It is always crowded, we have to actually think about combining ingredients when Krystal had done it for us the night before & we always forget numerous items.
2.We need women to scratch our backs. Can't get the entire area without separating a shoulder & another man scratching your back is gay. Same goes for applying sunscreen & reminding us we should use it.
3.Carrying leftover to go food out of the restaurant. A real man will always finish his meal but sometimes, there is too much to eat in one meal. If you are good, which i am you combine her leftovers with yours & ultimately she forgets leaving you with 2 extra meals. It is an art.
4.Reach for your purse from time to time. I know if is alot of fun to eat, drink & be merry on your man's tab but he needs you to pick up the tab every now & again.
5.We need women to clean the casa. I personally am not too much of a slob but I hate to dust, vacuum & well the entire bathroom is neglected if left to me. I will bribe you with chick flick, dinner or whatever you need to make this happen plus I'll say thanks.
6.I count on my girlfriends(friends that are girls) to explore the crazy level of potential sweet young vixens. I do this by watching said vixen interact with people in the crowd until we have a mutual friend. I then text said friend to get the low down on the vixen. Works like a charm as long as friend doesn't spill the beans when I go to the big boys room.
7.We need women to wear sexy clothing & lingerie. Yea you would probably look good in a potato sack as I have in the past but a woman wearing a tight pair of jeans, top showing off the tatas & a perfect pair of thongs just showing enough will get us drooling every time. I also am a big fan of a tall, sexy woman wearing cargo pants as well. Did I also mention hats drive this man crazy?!
8.I need a woman to have a great sense of humor or she is going to think I'm an idiot....which I can be(see drooling above). If you cannot laugh at yourself & others then you are on a path of bitterness & regret later in life. It is a one of the best traits in the world if you can laugh at just about every bad situation. I believe it relieves stress & therefore prolongs your silly life.
9.Men need women for fashion sense. This one is very important as most men hate to shop for clothes almost as bad as groceries. If left on our own we will stumble into a store with the hottest blond 21 yr old working & leave the store with a hard on dressed like Justin Beeber.
10.O.K. now to the R to X portion of what men need from women....sex & lots of it! We need you to check your parent's issues about the subject at the door. It is your sex life & you need to be a willing & eager participant or you run the risk of being replaced by a newer, hornier model. Don't be afraid to experiment with new toys, positions, & places. We need for you to enjoy oral pleasure(giving as well as receiving), morning luvin & dirty talk. We also have no problem sharing a shower anytime you feel the need to clean your dirty body. I really could go on & on with this one but you get the idea. Have fun & do it alot!
Well, that pretty much sums up my thoughts about the needs of the opposite sex & should be taken with a grain of salt by rational people. The picture is of some foreign hottie that I have never met & have no idea her needs as a non-American woman but I imagine she would be close on alot of these. Until next time remember a famous quote by one of my favorite women" It is God's biggest joke putting men & women on the same planet & expecting them to get along!"Bev
Cheers,
Rip Pewett a man with many needs
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Beer my friend, you have weighted me down
Cheers,
Rip Pewett
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Top 10 signs that you have lost your mancard
1.Walking a little dog such as a shitzu, miniature whatever, pug or lapsa ugly so. If you have to carry plastic gloves to pick up the shit then a sniper should put you out of your misery.
2. Getting married during SEC football season. I was engaged when my bride to be said" I've always wanted to have an October wedding!" & in a very empathetic moment I retorted "Have you met the groom yet?" Needless to say, we didn't work out & she did marry a guy during SEC football season.
3. If you show up in a public place wearing the same outfit as your significant other. Was it a buy one get the other free deal or what?
4. Owning a cat that doesn't come from the woods or a foreign country. A cat is an animal that is like a woman....plotting your demise while you sleep. Get rid of it girlie man.
5. A convertible that 9 out of 10 people drive are women! Miata, Sebring, & VW Cabriolet are gay & so are you probably. I drive a 1972 Olds Cutlass Supreme Convertible & that is how a convertible is done. That guarantees my man card for life.
6. Wearing a bow tie! Even the guy that sold it to you is laughing.
7. Not liking sports! Once again you are probably gay. The rivalry, the gameday experience & that girls have to gives us a waiver for almost anything we do while we are watching sports is worth it's weight in gold!
8. Going to a 1 yr olds birthday party. Bottom line is the the kid isn't going to remember you being there & u should go to a strip club, get hammered & have the girl pick you up after.
9. Saying make love....it's what girls call fucking!
10. Last but not least......voting Democrat. Nothing says I'm a girlie man more than believing in the principles of the Democratic party of not thinking for yourself & believing we should help people who are not willing to help themselves.
O.K. that pretty much sums it up & as always I could go on & on but you get the point. Be a man & stand up for yourself. Say no to the people(chicks) that want to neuter you mentally & say "what would Rip do?"
Until next time.
Cheers,
Rip Pewett lifetime man card carrier
the pic is of Webb Wilder....one of the last of the full grown men & man card lifetime member!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
March is officially White History Month...aka Whitey month
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Think about it, do it & don't regret it
Until next time,
Rip Pewett
Friday, December 17, 2010
I'm officially announcing my bid to be the next President of the United States of America
1. Bring our troops home from Afghanistan & South Korea. We don't need troops on the ground to find Bin Laden. Pull the troops out & wait for someone to spot him. Once he is spotted I will deploy a full squadron of B-52 stratofortress bombers to carpet bomb the shit out of his stronghold. Problem solved. The 28,000 troops in South Korea will be redeployed along the U.S. Mexican border. We will put snipers in towers along the 50ft wall built by American contractors. Job stimulation & border security will be the result of this course of action.
2.Bring every Czar that Obama appointed to the White House & have them arrested as most of them are criminals anyway. If some are innocent then I will send them a apology card & fruit cake for their troubles.
3.Set term limits on Congress to a maximum of 2 terms & revoke the lifetime pension for members of Congress. It is a privilege to serve your country & you shouldn't receive any lifetime benefit for it. Also if you guilty of a crime while serving in Congress, if convicted you are sentenced to Levinworth Federal Prison with the military convicts...no censure allowed.
4.I will address the United Nations & inform all the leaders of the world that all aid will be cut off to countries that harbor terrorists, burn our flags or if you just hate us cause we are cool. Once you make the list, it will be impossible to get off it.
5.Student visas & work visas will be suspended for 10years. We are training our enemies in our universities & allowing our enemies to work amongst us. Also tourist visa will only be issued after a through background check.
6.I will sponsor a bill that legalizes the sale of marijuana & will tax the hell out of it to go solely towards our National debt.
7.I will raise taxes on actors, professional athletes & billionaires. They have gotten rich on the backs of the lower & middle class fans. All these taxes will go towards the National debt as well.
8.I will abolish Obama's Healthcare plan the moment I get the keys to the White House & will replace it with a program that mandates new doctors must serve 5 years in a government run hospital that deals with Medicaid & Medicare patients exclusively. Drug companies will be forced to sell drugs to these facilities at cost. This will totally control the cost of healthcare to the elderly, the poor & the illegal aliens in this country.Everybody else has insurance & it is working!
9.I will legalize off shore drilling anywhere that we find large reserves. The endangered species will move or die. I also will broker a deal with the government of Iraqi to pump all the free oil we can for the 10 years we have been in their country & after 10 years we will pump oil at cost for as long as we have a military presence in Iraq. Oil prices will plummet & yet again the profits will go directly to the debt.
10.I will focus on a Made in America agenda that will promote, encourage & fund business in America. I will also pass a tax on luxury items such as cars, planes & boats that are manufactured outside of our country. You got it, the profits will go directly towards our debt.
11.You get the idea of my agenda to bring this great country back from stupidity to AWESOMENESS! But in order to really fix this country we must fix the current college football mess known as the BCS. We will go to a playoff system with the 16 highest ranked teams vying for the National Championship. The teams will play the quarterfinals,semifinals & finals in the same sites that have the bowls with the finals alternating between the Fiesta,Rose,Sugar & Orange Bowl. No questions about who the National Champion is when it is proven on the field.
I probably need to get busy collecting signatures & choosing a Vice-President. I hope I'm elected so I can get this country back on track & if the Russians don't shake my hand at the Arms Treaty talks(see Obama snubbed by Russians) I'll light them up with nukes. Remember to vote in 2012 for Rip Pewett...the tallest candidate.
Cheers,
Rip
p.s.in lieu of debating President Obama, I will challenge him in a game of one on one basketball & school his lame ass.
Friday, November 12, 2010
You can't get them all but boy you can try;)
Monday, August 23, 2010
10 signs of a Democrat
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
25 likes & dislikes....Vol 2
1.brain dead rednecks-Dad always said he disliked them worse than bad blacks(trying to keep it clean), because they were born with the advantage of being born white & just didn't get it.
2.Democrats-they want to help people who don't want to help themselves & that is stupidity in it's simplest form.
3.Mean hearted people-I've hurt people throughout my life but I never did it intentionally...mean people do.
4. the common fly-no real purpose for their existence but to gross me out!
5.no turn on red sign-most broken law by me
6.metal clothes hangers-they really piss me off
7.the idea that world peace is possible.....it isn't, people have been fighting since the beginning of time.
8.giving money to countries that hate us & conspire against us! fuck them & let them eat sand
9.neck ties-i consider them a noose on my soul
10.traitors-in a time of war they should be executed(you know who you are)
11.allergies-no fun living in Tennessee
12.ear & nose hair-it is gross, keep it trimmed. manscape the other as well.
13.the French-this one is more of a hate. their arrogance amazes me for a chicken shit country that won't stand up for itself. We should of let Germany keep them.
14.not being able to get breakfast & lunch at the same time at McDonalds(egg mctasty,country ham biscuit & fries)
15.traffic jams that last forever & when you get to the cause of the delay....you still can't figure out why traffic was slowed.
16.cheap people-I'd rather you stand over my grave & call me an asshole(that can be true) than to call me cheap. spend it....you can't take it with you
17.cats-they are Satan's creatures plus I'm allergic to them. could be worse.....i could be allergic to the other.
18.Van Hagar-Van Halen is my favorite band & Sammy Hagar should never have followed Diamond David Lee Roth.
19.men driving chick convertibles-miatas & sebrings ain't cool
20.i really dislike the word mandatory-it implies authority over me
21.cemeteries-people should never be put in the ground. Cremate me & spread half of me over God's stadium(Neyland) & the other half over the Great Barrier Reef
22.Haveto Day-Mondays
23.women who are so insecure they have to separate their men from their friends. i lost a wife & best friend for that reason
24.crazy women-i don't care who screwed you up.....it wasn't me
25.last but not least I ABSOLUTELY DISLIKE THE ENTIRE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION & THE CURRENT SEATED CONGRESS!!!!!!!!!! YA'LL SUCK
Well, I feel better. Now you know what I like & what I dislike.
Cheers,
Rip Pewett
p.s. ohhhhhh, and the picture is of Vanderbilt's Memorial Gym....I hate Vanderbilt fans.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
My 25 likes & dislikes
25 likes
1.UT & college football-the history, the rivalries & the excitement not to mention the whole game day experience(45 days until season opener)
2.scuba diving-there is so much beauty in the ocean, so much freedom when you dive & I am in a sunny locale.
3. 1972 Olds Cutlass Supreme Convertible-it is yellow.
4.the smell of wood burning-even when my house burned to the ground as a kid I still liked the way it smelled-it was mentioned that I was probably in shock.
5.Seafood-i feel for people that don't like scrimps,lobster,grouper,scallops & fried craw claws.
6.My passport-my legal document that allows me to take adventures all over the world.
7.having a sense of humor....if you ain't got one, you are boring!
8.banana puddin-have had 2 sweet young vixens that claim to make the best in the world...1 does;)
9.roller coasters- love the thrill of being out of control & going fast!
10.Cold beer.....it is my vice, my relaxation juice & my social beverage of choice.
11.movies via Netflix...i can escape reality on the futon, i can pause to go potty or get another glass of vino.
12.Thongs-something soooooo sexy about seeing a hottie w/thongs peeking out at me
13.rewarding myself with a present. we all work hard(sometimes) & it is nice to say fuck it.....i want this
14.diet mt dew.....I'm all jacked up on diet mt dew! i don't drink coffee & I've probably had 10 glasses of ice tea my entire life
15.the beach.....I'm a big fan of the white beaches of the panhandle of Florida...lots of great memories from childhood, college & as an adult
16.living in the greatest country in the World....yep it is, just travel anywhere & you will see that we have it pretty damn good compared to everyone else.
17.the Internet....porn, UT football,google,buy stuff, plan travel....my website www.onmeway.com
etc.....
18.the sun....yes it makes life possible but I'm talking about all the fun in the sun...poolside w/girls in bikinis, getting a tan & riding around topless
19.extended travel....6 weeks in Australia w/nothing to do but have adventure after adventure is one of the most liberating experiences you will ever have.
20.Committee of one....being single allows me to do whatever the hell I want!
21.giving....my time, my money & anything that someone needs or likes better than I like it
22.Chinese food, Mexican food & fish tacos......good stuff!
23.tall women 5'9" & above to ride this ride.....it is my niche market cuz tall girls like to be able to wear heels, be small & feel safe.
24.watching planes fly overhead....commercial airliners make me wonder where i will be going next, military planes make me wonder who we are gonna light up next....I'm a huge war hawk
25.....last but most important...I like my memories. It is the only thing you would have if you were on a beach naked.
O.K. that pretty much sums up my likes & I think I will stop there. I'm on a way too positive note to start bashing on my dislikes! Don't worry, somebody will piss me off soon enough & my next post will be my dislikes.
Cheers,
Rip Pewett likes.......
Sunday, July 4, 2010
4th of July-Independence from reality
Cheers,
Rip Pewett one fed up American
Saturday, June 26, 2010
We are all guilty for what is happening to this country....some more than others
Cheers,
Rip Pewett proud purchaser of American made products